Jill, who writes eloquently over at More Than, is a Mom to one four year old and most recently a set of fraternal twins. We were chatting about the those lovely twins a few months ago, even before the Baby Man's arrival when I asked her how things were going.
"Much better", was her quick reply, "especially now that they're sleeping through the night."
Had I not been trapped in the corner of the family room sectional I would have fallen off the couch. Sleeping through the night?! I did some quick calculations and blurted out, "but they've just turned four months old! How can they be sleeping through the night?"
"Two words", she told me, "Benign neglect."
Thus far my only frame of parenting reference had come in the form of an amazing little boy with a whack of allergies and health issues that made for a painful infancy with little or no sleep on anyone's part. For months I had been gearing myself up for more of the same. I figured the chances of the next little guy having similar concerns were pretty good.
So coupled with the knowledge I gained through Jake's experiences and Jill's wisdom, I have to say that parenting this time around has been, well, a pleasure.
Don't get me wrong. I love the Little Man and am so grateful for his presence in our lives, and both the things I learned from him and the ways I grew personally throughout his health challenges. Yet, it's amazing how a severe lack of sleep can seriously impact every aspect of your life, and parenting Jake was not often a pleasure - at least not in the moment.
This time around, instead of stressing about doing what "they" say is right, I'm doing what is right for Noah, for me, for our family. It's refreshingly freeing, being a Mom this time around. I find myself able to really trust my instincts, to relax and enjoy the ride. Of course life isn't perfect or even easy every moment of the day, but deep down . . . deep, deep, deep down, it's peaceful.
Benign neglect.
It doesn't mean I leave him to "cry it out". It doesn't mean I don't promptly change his wet or dirty diapers. It doesn't mean he eats on my schedule rather than his. It doesn't mean he lays in his crib all day with nothing more to look at than a homemade mobile. It doesn't mean we don't rock him to sleep, sing to him, talk to him, hold him, "wear" him or cuddle him.
It simply means, for me, that's it's okay for him to lay on the floor talking to his toys for awhile. It means, for me, that he doesn't always get picked up immediately at the first sound of complaint. It means, for me, that sometimes the Little Man does come before the Baby Man.
Benign neglect. Experience. Common sense. Instinct. Parenting the second time around.
3 comments:
Sing it, sister! It's OK to let them look at something without providing a running commentary! I tried to "enrich" everything with Big Girl (and now she sometimes still wants constant chatter). This time around, I'm letting them make a few more of their own discoveries!
And the sleeping thing - better for all of us! Like you, I ran in at the first peep with Big Girl - now I realize, sometimes, they are just talking. And back to sleep they go. Heaven knows, if they really need us, they'll let us know!
Benign neglect. I like this phrase! Jill has provided a lot of inspiration to me as well. My big girl is the same age as hers (well, technically 2 days younger) and my little girl is almost 2 and a half. It really is amazing to just watch the kids learning and exploring. I now find myself eavesdropping on the two kids while they play!
I love this and I'm looking foward to it!
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